The Phantom Menace Revisited (1999 to 2007)

I spent a good hour or two getting myself in the right frame of mind to re-visit STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE after a gap of about 8 years: no baggage from the original trilogy, no friends around who might influence my thinking, no constant barrage of trailers and commercials and merchandising tie-ins to cloud my judgment. If anything, I was ready enjoy it; in The Making of Star Wars: The Definitive Story Behind the Original Film it's clearly evident in early drafts that Lucas had a lot of this mapped out years ago. So over the course of about 3 nights with Baby Jack in tow, we sat down to watch.

Overall impression: It's still bad. The plot's convoluted (disputes over taxation of shipping lanes? Trade embargoes? THIS is what kicks off the greatest space saga in movie history?), and for a franchise that prides itself on its visual delights, there's way too much explaining going on that takes away from the magic Lucas wants to convey. The dialogue is dreadful (although the original STAR WARS really wasn't much better), there are more than a few dialed in performances, it's long, and there's a feeling of distance from the characters and their threads that make it difficult to really invest yourself in what's happening.

It's not all blight and disease (eww): as a purely visual experience PHANTOM has a lot to offer - when it works the effects are jaw-dropping, and a few scenes have as much excitement and energy as anything else out there. There are a couple fun performances, notably Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid, and I'll even throw a bone to Jake Lloyd as the young Anakin Skywalker. If this had been a LITTLE RASCALS movie he would have stole the show. But Natalie Portman - what happened? Fence posts aren't that wooden (or that lovely. HOT-CHA!).

But ultimately there's a lot that gets in the way of what could have been a fun, no holds barred STAR WARS aimed at a younger generation. As great as the visual effects are, you no longer get the sense of physicality, of really being in the film. A lot was made of George Lucas's attempt to render the STAR WARS universe as completely digital as possible, but the lack of anything practical (excepting a few columns and tables) doesn't give the eye anthing to anchor on to in the scenes. I'm already watching the movie on a gigantic screen - why do I want that movie to look like it was projected on a screen as well?

In STAR WARS Lucas made a conscious decision that the environments would look lived in; everything was to feel like this was a documentary (Lucas's background) instead of something that felt contrived. That seems to have been left by the wayside as we are treated to one slick, busy image after another with scarely any room to breathe. When he scales back a bit on what's going on, it works beautifully. The shot below, of the Gungan army slowly appearing out of the fog, is gorgeous in its simplicity:

The problem with the over-abundance of the digital backdrops is , with a few exceptions, you no longer believe anyone is actually there.

And when you are content to simply believe, the movie slips into needless explanations. Why transform something as wonderfully mysterious as The Force into something so ridiculous and contrived that you're shaking your head in disbelief? Midichlorians? So The Force is nothing more than particles that can now be measured and analyzed? I guess that means that potential Jedi Knights are discovered via DNA testing. And as bad as the explanation for The Force is, I won't even begin to touch upon Anakin's "immaculate" conception...

That being said, the Pod Race sequence is fantastic, and one of the best things in any of the new films. There's a spirit of adventure and adrenaline that's lacking in many of the other action sequences. This spirit is also replicated with the light sabre duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon and the much under-utilized Darth Maul. It's a nice set-piece, but you're left feeling like all the potential for Maul was wasted; he skulks for a few scenes behind the Emperor, he rides a weird space Harley on Tatooine, and then after finally getting the chance to demonstrate his badass-ness, he's chopped in half, never to be seen again.

In fact, in PHANTOM none of the villains really work all that well. After re-watching twice, I'm still not sure if it was supposed to be a surprise that Senator Palpatine is the Dark Sith Lord. There's no real palpable (heh heh) sense of evil or foreboding anywhere in the movie. The "epic" battle between the Gungans and the droids is terrible: how did the Federation become so powerful if their droids are so inept?

Any review about THE PHANTOM MENACE can't pass unless mention is made of the aliens, and of one alien in particular. I suppose my heart's softened somewhat to Jar-Jar Binks. He is a distraction in every one of his scenes, doesn't have the sense of being a fully realized CGI character like Gollumn in LOTR or King Kong do (and I'd argue that for both the Peter Jackson-directed version as well as the 1933 original), and many of the jokes fall flat. But looking at PHANTOM as a movie geared towards children, his presence makes sense, and works as a kind of portal for the piles of exposition in the film. The rest of the aliens do feel like bad stereotypes, although the cries of bigotry and malice were a bit much, you would have though Lucas would have had a clearer head on the matter. I would have been perfectly fine with most of the aliens speak in subtitles, although that probably would have made it harder for the age group PHANTOM was geared towards.

While it's certainly not the let-down I thought it to be when it was first released, STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE is still a mediocre movie. Say what you will - Lucas can still conjure up a grand vision, but in this instance the lack of discussion and collaboration that was instrumental in making the others such as triumph (how can it not when you have Steven Spielberg, Lawrence Kasdan and Francis Ford Coppola to bounce ideas off of) is missing, and the George Lucas Show falls a little flat.

Tune in next time to see if lessons are learned and if computer-generating Yoda really was a good idea in ATTACK OF THE CLONES!

* Is it just me, or this one of the most ridiculous images in all the STAR WARS films? It's like BATMAN '66 revisited!

The Phantom Menace Revisited (1999 to 2007)

I spent a good hour or two getting myself in the right frame of mind to re-visit STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE after a gap of about 8 years: no baggage from the original trilogy, no friends around who might influence my thinking, no constant barrage of trailers and commercials and merchandising tie-ins to cloud my judgment. If anything, I was ready enjoy it; in The Making of Star Wars: The Definitive Story Behind the Original Film it's clearly evident in early drafts that Lucas had a lot of this mapped out years ago. So over the course of about 3 nights with Baby Jack in tow, we sat down to watch.

Overall impression: It's still bad. The plot's convoluted (disputes over taxation of shipping lanes? Trade embargoes? THIS is what kicks off the greatest space saga in movie history?), and for a franchise that prides itself on its visual delights, there's way too much explaining going on that takes away from the magic Lucas wants to convey. The dialogue is dreadful (although the original STAR WARS really wasn't much better), there are more than a few dialed in performances, it's long, and there's a feeling of distance from the characters and their threads that make it difficult to really invest yourself in what's happening.

It's not all blight and disease (eww): as a purely visual experience PHANTOM has a lot to offer - when it works the effects are jaw-dropping, and a few scenes have as much excitement and energy as anything else out there. There are a couple fun performances, notably Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid, and I'll even throw a bone to Jake Lloyd as the young Anakin Skywalker. If this had been a LITTLE RASCALS movie he would have stole the show. But Natalie Portman - what happened? Fence posts aren't that wooden (or that lovely. HOT-CHA!).

But ultimately there's a lot that gets in the way of what could have been a fun, no holds barred STAR WARS aimed at a younger generation. As great as the visual effects are, you no longer get the sense of physicality, of really being in the film. A lot was made of George Lucas's attempt to render the STAR WARS universe as completely digital as possible, but the lack of anything practical (excepting a few columns and tables) doesn't give the eye anthing to anchor on to in the scenes. I'm already watching the movie on a gigantic screen - why do I want that movie to look like it was projected on a screen as well?

In STAR WARS Lucas made a conscious decision that the environments would look lived in; everything was to feel like this was a documentary (Lucas's background) instead of something that felt contrived. That seems to have been left by the wayside as we are treated to one slick, busy image after another with scarely any room to breathe. When he scales back a bit on what's going on, it works beautifully. The shot below, of the Gungan army slowly appearing out of the fog, is gorgeous in its simplicity:

The problem with the over-abundance of the digital backdrops is , with a few exceptions, you no longer believe anyone is actually there.

And when you are content to simply believe, the movie slips into needless explanations. Why transform something as wonderfully mysterious as The Force into something so ridiculous and contrived that you're shaking your head in disbelief? Midichlorians? So The Force is nothing more than particles that can now be measured and analyzed? I guess that means that potential Jedi Knights are discovered via DNA testing. And as bad as the explanation for The Force is, I won't even begin to touch upon Anakin's "immaculate" conception...

That being said, the Pod Race sequence is fantastic, and one of the best things in any of the new films. There's a spirit of adventure and adrenaline that's lacking in many of the other action sequences. This spirit is also replicated with the light sabre duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon and the much under-utilized Darth Maul. It's a nice set-piece, but you're left feeling like all the potential for Maul was wasted; he skulks for a few scenes behind the Emperor, he rides a weird space Harley on Tatooine, and then after finally getting the chance to demonstrate his badass-ness, he's chopped in half, never to be seen again.

In fact, in PHANTOM none of the villains really work all that well. After re-watching twice, I'm still not sure if it was supposed to be a surprise that Senator Palpatine is the Dark Sith Lord. There's no real palpable (heh heh) sense of evil or foreboding anywhere in the movie. The "epic" battle between the Gungans and the droids is terrible: how did the Federation become so powerful if their droids are so inept?

Any review about THE PHANTOM MENACE can't pass unless mention is made of the aliens, and of one alien in particular. I suppose my heart's softened somewhat to Jar-Jar Binks. He is a distraction in every one of his scenes, doesn't have the sense of being a fully realized CGI character like Gollumn in LOTR or King Kong do (and I'd argue that for both the Peter Jackson-directed version as well as the 1933 original), and many of the jokes fall flat. But looking at PHANTOM as a movie geared towards children, his presence makes sense, and works as a kind of portal for the piles of exposition in the film. The rest of the aliens do feel like bad stereotypes, although the cries of bigotry and malice were a bit much, you would have though Lucas would have had a clearer head on the matter. I would have been perfectly fine with most of the aliens speak in subtitles, although that probably would have made it harder for the age group PHANTOM was geared towards.

While it's certainly not the let-down I thought it to be when it was first released, STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE is still a mediocre movie. Say what you will - Lucas can still conjure up a grand vision, but in this instance the lack of discussion and collaboration that was instrumental in making the others such as triumph (how can it not when you have Steven Spielberg, Lawrence Kasdan and Francis Ford Coppola to bounce ideas off of) is missing, and the George Lucas Show falls a little flat.

Tune in next time to see if lessons are learned and if computer-generating Yoda really was a good idea in ATTACK OF THE CLONES!

* Is it just me, or this one of the most ridiculous images in all the STAR WARS films? It's like BATMAN '66 revisited!

El Topo (1970)

Where do you even begin? Championed by John Lennon and shown for a month straight at midnight, it's not hyperbole to say that Alejandro Jodorowsky's EL TOPO is the progenitor of the fabled "Midnight Movie."

After languishing in limbo for 30 years along with the rest of his films due to a dispute with his producer (and Beatles manager) Alan Klein, the major work of Jodorowsky is finally presented in a beautiful DVD box set, completely remastered and ready to launch its singular view of insanity on an unsuspecting world.

Two days later I'm still woozy.

EL TOPO is a quest for enlightenment wrapped in a Western that's sat in the deserts of Mexico under the boiling sun for too long, fever-dreaming of the blood and semen spilled in the name of wisdom. It's a hyper-violent LSD trip featuring naked monks being ridden bare-back, a duel in a rabbit pen, an underground village of deformed little people, and the single most erotic eating of a piece of fruit captured on film. It's also, at its heart, a desperate attempt by one man to capture the feeling of his quest to attach meaning to his life, and it's no mistake that the title character (translated as "The Mole") is played by Jodorowsky himself.

The opening scene plays as iconic as anything in Sergio Leone's oeuvre: El Topo, the mysterious man in black, rides up to a pole in the middle of the desert holding an open umbrella with a small naked child clinging to his back. The child crouches down and, while the man plays a small recorder, buries his teddy bear and a picture of his mother, the man in black's wife. El Topo gazes at him. "You're seven years old now. You're a man."

Their collective past buried, they ride off, the picture of the mother not quite covered in the foreground: no matter what, you can't leave the past behind.

So far so good, right? Sounds like it's shaping up to be some type of Sergio Leone-style western...but then the pair arrive at a small Mexican village. The dead bodies of adults and children lie strewn in the streets next to the bloated remains of the farm animals. Men hang from the rafters of the church. And as mentioned earlier, strange things are being forced upon the poor surviving monks...

It's here that the film takes one bizarre turn after another, as what was once a film loosely anchored in the Western genre becomes unhinged as a search for experience, and meaning. Jodorowsky makes use of a large array of symbolism, including crucifixes, pagan sacrifices, and more modern symbols: one town has had all its Christian imagery replaced by banners of an eye in a pyramid:

Although the film can at times look like a mess, Jodorowsky impresses a sense of consideration to every scene, whether it's the death of a bunch of rabbits at El Topo's approach or the entire last third of the film, where El Topo, in an effort to free an underground town of incestuous mutants (yes, you read that right), takes to the nearby town as a street mime, performing slapstick routines in an effort to dig a passage from the underground town to the village. he does this with his new love, one of the aforementioned little people.

By the time EL TOPO finishes, you've basically seen something that, for better or for worse, you're probably never going to see again. It's easy to just see this as a "midnight movie" for the geek crowd to cheer and yell at the screen to. But Jodorowsky embodies a deeper sense of purpose to the collection of images in EL TOPO, and as much as you want to shrug it off as exploitation, the craft and vision refuse to hide behind such simple definitions. I can't say I loved EL TOPO; I can't even say for sure that I'll ever see it again. But for something completely different, and done with an uncompromising eye, EL TOPO is a pretty exhilarating experience.

* Despite my positive review for this film, I DO NOT condone any of the acts in the film, with the possible exception of the mime routines. Oh yeah, and the flute playing while the naked chick swims in the water. Totally condone those two pieces.

** I also didn't mention the guy with no arms who had a guy with no legs strapped to his back. Man, that was INSANE!

El Topo (1970)

Where do you even begin? Championed by John Lennon and shown for a month straight at midnight, it's not hyperbole to say that Alejandro Jodorowsky's EL TOPO is the progenitor of the fabled "Midnight Movie."

After languishing in limbo for 30 years along with the rest of his films due to a dispute with his producer (and Beatles manager) Alan Klein, the major work of Jodorowsky is finally presented in a beautiful DVD box set, completely remastered and ready to launch its singular view of insanity on an unsuspecting world.

Two days later I'm still woozy.

EL TOPO is a quest for enlightenment wrapped in a Western that's sat in the deserts of Mexico under the boiling sun for too long, fever-dreaming of the blood and semen spilled in the name of wisdom. It's a hyper-violent LSD trip featuring naked monks being ridden bare-back, a duel in a rabbit pen, an underground village of deformed little people, and the single most erotic eating of a piece of fruit captured on film. It's also, at its heart, a desperate attempt by one man to capture the feeling of his quest to attach meaning to his life, and it's no mistake that the title character (translated as "The Mole") is played by Jodorowsky himself.

The opening scene plays as iconic as anything in Sergio Leone's oeuvre: El Topo, the mysterious man in black, rides up to a pole in the middle of the desert holding an open umbrella with a small naked child clinging to his back. The child crouches down and, while the man plays a small recorder, buries his teddy bear and a picture of his mother, the man in black's wife. El Topo gazes at him. "You're seven years old now. You're a man."

Their collective past buried, they ride off, the picture of the mother not quite covered in the foreground: no matter what, you can't leave the past behind.

So far so good, right? Sounds like it's shaping up to be some type of Sergio Leone-style western...but then the pair arrive at a small Mexican village. The dead bodies of adults and children lie strewn in the streets next to the bloated remains of the farm animals. Men hang from the rafters of the church. And as mentioned earlier, strange things are being forced upon the poor surviving monks...

It's here that the film takes one bizarre turn after another, as what was once a film loosely anchored in the Western genre becomes unhinged as a search for experience, and meaning. Jodorowsky makes use of a large array of symbolism, including crucifixes, pagan sacrifices, and more modern symbols: one town has had all its Christian imagery replaced by banners of an eye in a pyramid:

Although the film can at times look like a mess, Jodorowsky impresses a sense of consideration to every scene, whether it's the death of a bunch of rabbits at El Topo's approach or the entire last third of the film, where El Topo, in an effort to free an underground town of incestuous mutants (yes, you read that right), takes to the nearby town as a street mime, performing slapstick routines in an effort to dig a passage from the underground town to the village. he does this with his new love, one of the aforementioned little people.

By the time EL TOPO finishes, you've basically seen something that, for better or for worse, you're probably never going to see again. It's easy to just see this as a "midnight movie" for the geek crowd to cheer and yell at the screen to. But Jodorowsky embodies a deeper sense of purpose to the collection of images in EL TOPO, and as much as you want to shrug it off as exploitation, the craft and vision refuse to hide behind such simple definitions. I can't say I loved EL TOPO; I can't even say for sure that I'll ever see it again. But for something completely different, and done with an uncompromising eye, EL TOPO is a pretty exhilarating experience.

* Despite my positive review for this film, I DO NOT condone any of the acts in the film, with the possible exception of the mime routines. Oh yeah, and the flute playing while the naked chick swims in the water. Totally condone those two pieces.

** I also didn't mention the guy with no arms who had a guy with no legs strapped to his back. Man, that was INSANE!

Galactic Mashochism

NOTE: This whole idea was launched by my overwhelming love for what is definitely the BOTM for June 2007, The Making of Star Wars: The Definitive Story Behind the Original Film. Buy it for the Geek in your life TODAY!

-------------------------

A small amount of explanation regarding the above title is in order.

By now it's no surprise that I am, as they say in more conservative circles, a "geek." Whether it's playing Steve Jackson card games in college, arguing about whether Go-Bots were better than Transformers back in junior high (I guess this settles that question), or proudly placing Garth Ennis and Alan Moore* next to Flannery O'Connor and Mark Twain on my bookshelves today, I have always been honored to align myself with the geek crowd.

But there's one thing, one single solitary item, that truly labels us as the geeks we are. One event, one place in time, originating back in May of 1977 but reverberating all over the galaxy to this very day.

Yes, my rebel friends. I refer to, of course, STAR WARS.

There are few things I can think of that played a larger role in my formative years. My mother (of course), the Atari 2600, and STAR WARS, although not necessarily in that order. Witness what is still the most memorable Christmas in my life, taken in 1979:

Yessir. Sure a lot of people had the Millennium Falcon, and maybe even a few of you had the Death Star action playset. But how many of you had the original Star Wars Droid Factory?

Quick aside: Let me take a moment to mention the extreme love and affection my mother obviously had for me - despite their somewhat nappy appearance, who else would have taken the time and effort to latch-hook their son portraits of both Batman and Superman? Damn I love my moms...

Okay, back to the subject at hand. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK followed on the heels of STAR WARS, and from the moment Luke crash landed on Dagobah there was no going back for me - I was completely hooked. A few years later RETURN OF JEDI crashed into theaters and geeks everywhere celebrated the appearance of Princess Leia in a bikini, suffered with good cheer when the Ewoks appeared, and cheered like crazy whenever Han Solo was onscreen. Fans the world over celebrated the conclusion of a saga that would stand the test of time...

...until 1997, when everything changed.

In the mid 90's the rumors became official when George Lucas announced he was going to film THREE!! NEW!! STAR WARS!! FILMS!!, all taking place before and leading up to what was now known as "Episode IV: A New Hope." The roar of a billion geeks could be heard from as far away as Tatooine. And to top it all off, Lucas was going to RE-RELEASE THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY IN THEATERS, WITH SOUPED-UP SPECIAL FX AND "A FEW NEW SURPRISES"!!

My friends, the glee was enough to shatter the Death Star all over again. The chance to relive our youth and see the films the way we had in the beginning, up on the big screen. A chance for people who came to the game late to get in on the experience the way we did so long ago. I waited on line with friends for those early tickets, eager to see what new marvels awaited us.

What? Whaddya mean Greedo shot first?!

To be honest, I wasn't as offended as other people were by the changes in the new trilogy. True, I vastly preferred the films in their original incarnations - there was something wholesome and sincere about the practical effects, matte paintings and old-world charm that embodied the movies. But I wasn't going to fault Lucas for going in and "improving" on his original intentions - certainly not when the promise of three new films was on the horizon. Sure, I was dubious when I heard the first film would be called THE PHANTOM MENACE, but there was no cause for alarm, was there?

Two words: Jar-Jar.

Earth slowly tipped in its orbit that day, as a million collective shoulders sagged at the inane childish antics and shady accents that permeated the PHANTOM, and I think today most geeks put the "new" trilogy of films slightly behind HOWARD THE DUCK in terms of quality. For myself, I know that as we watched the second film ATTACK OF THE CLONES my wife pronounced out loud that it was the worst film she ever saw in her life, and we both laughed out loud at REVENGE OF THE SITH'S ending where a seemingly midget Vader screams, "Padme!" with his fists clenched in petulance.

Let down, folks. Money back, drop your light-sabre in disbelief let down.

But hold on...maybe we were a little too hard on things? After all, we weren't comparing the new films to the old films, not really. We were comparing the new films to both the old films and the sense of adventure, joy, and possibilities that came with growing up with those films. Was it really fair to judge Episodes 1-3 against your childhood?

Well, that's what I'm going to attempt to find out. Starting tonight I'm diving in where few dare to tread again - I'll watch, take notes, and report back on STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE, ATTACK OF THE CLONES, and REVENGE OF THE SITH, and see if indeed, they really were as bad as all that.

Wave your Geek flag high and come along over the next few weeks, won't you?

* If you don't know who Garth Ennis or Alan Moore are, chances are you're not a geek and may safely move on to another post.

Galactic Mashochism

NOTE: This whole idea was launched by my overwhelming love for what is definitely the BOTM for June 2007, The Making of Star Wars: The Definitive Story Behind the Original Film. Buy it for the Geek in your life TODAY!

-------------------------

A small amount of explanation regarding the above title is in order.

By now it's no surprise that I am, as they say in more conservative circles, a "geek." Whether it's playing Steve Jackson card games in college, arguing about whether Go-Bots were better than Transformers back in junior high (I guess this settles that question), or proudly placing Garth Ennis and Alan Moore* next to Flannery O'Connor and Mark Twain on my bookshelves today, I have always been honored to align myself with the geek crowd.

But there's one thing, one single solitary item, that truly labels us as the geeks we are. One event, one place in time, originating back in May of 1977 but reverberating all over the galaxy to this very day.

Yes, my rebel friends. I refer to, of course, STAR WARS.

There are few things I can think of that played a larger role in my formative years. My mother (of course), the Atari 2600, and STAR WARS, although not necessarily in that order. Witness what is still the most memorable Christmas in my life, taken in 1979:

Yessir. Sure a lot of people had the Millennium Falcon, and maybe even a few of you had the Death Star action playset. But how many of you had the original Star Wars Droid Factory?

Quick aside: Let me take a moment to mention the extreme love and affection my mother obviously had for me - despite their somewhat nappy appearance, who else would have taken the time and effort to latch-hook their son portraits of both Batman and Superman? Damn I love my moms...

Okay, back to the subject at hand. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK followed on the heels of STAR WARS, and from the moment Luke crash landed on Dagobah there was no going back for me - I was completely hooked. A few years later RETURN OF JEDI crashed into theaters and geeks everywhere celebrated the appearance of Princess Leia in a bikini, suffered with good cheer when the Ewoks appeared, and cheered like crazy whenever Han Solo was onscreen. Fans the world over celebrated the conclusion of a saga that would stand the test of time...

...until 1997, when everything changed.

In the mid 90's the rumors became official when George Lucas announced he was going to film THREE!! NEW!! STAR WARS!! FILMS!!, all taking place before and leading up to what was now known as "Episode IV: A New Hope." The roar of a billion geeks could be heard from as far away as Tatooine. And to top it all off, Lucas was going to RE-RELEASE THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY IN THEATERS, WITH SOUPED-UP SPECIAL FX AND "A FEW NEW SURPRISES"!!

My friends, the glee was enough to shatter the Death Star all over again. The chance to relive our youth and see the films the way we had in the beginning, up on the big screen. A chance for people who came to the game late to get in on the experience the way we did so long ago. I waited on line with friends for those early tickets, eager to see what new marvels awaited us.

What? Whaddya mean Greedo shot first?!

To be honest, I wasn't as offended as other people were by the changes in the new trilogy. True, I vastly preferred the films in their original incarnations - there was something wholesome and sincere about the practical effects, matte paintings and old-world charm that embodied the movies. But I wasn't going to fault Lucas for going in and "improving" on his original intentions - certainly not when the promise of three new films was on the horizon. Sure, I was dubious when I heard the first film would be called THE PHANTOM MENACE, but there was no cause for alarm, was there?

Two words: Jar-Jar.

Earth slowly tipped in its orbit that day, as a million collective shoulders sagged at the inane childish antics and shady accents that permeated the PHANTOM, and I think today most geeks put the "new" trilogy of films slightly behind HOWARD THE DUCK in terms of quality. For myself, I know that as we watched the second film ATTACK OF THE CLONES my wife pronounced out loud that it was the worst film she ever saw in her life, and we both laughed out loud at REVENGE OF THE SITH'S ending where a seemingly midget Vader screams, "Padme!" with his fists clenched in petulance.

Let down, folks. Money back, drop your light-sabre in disbelief let down.

But hold on...maybe we were a little too hard on things? After all, we weren't comparing the new films to the old films, not really. We were comparing the new films to both the old films and the sense of adventure, joy, and possibilities that came with growing up with those films. Was it really fair to judge Episodes 1-3 against your childhood?

Well, that's what I'm going to attempt to find out. Starting tonight I'm diving in where few dare to tread again - I'll watch, take notes, and report back on STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE, ATTACK OF THE CLONES, and REVENGE OF THE SITH, and see if indeed, they really were as bad as all that.

Wave your Geek flag high and come along over the next few weeks, won't you?

* If you don't know who Garth Ennis or Alan Moore are, chances are you're not a geek and may safely move on to another post.

Back in the Saddle...Again?

You know...no reason why I can't keep writing over at the main site and then postingthe movie stuff over here, right?

Right?

Grindhouse (2007)

Though my birth year firmly plants me as a child of the 70's, I was a young child, so getting out to the local theaters for a double dose of movie fun was few and far between. For that reason my early "grind" movie experience came courtesy of the home video craze in the early 80's. I remember the day my father came home with both the Video Cassette Recorder (which was the size and approximate weight of my grandfather's old tool chest) and the first two movies we ever rented: PETE'S DRAGON and DELIVERANCE.

We were that kind of family.

When I got old enough to rent on my own with my friends, it was travelling by any means necessary down to the local drug store or gas station (the Blockbuster and Hollywood Video of our day) to grab movies for midnight consumption. Back then it felt like a whole new world opened up - the drug stores and gas stations and small independent video stores that lined the streets of Middletown, NY carried a variety of films that was frikkin' unbelievable.

It's a testament to how my mother raised me that I'm a respectable family man after hours of sitting up in the middle of the night with my friends watching I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, BAD TASTE, ZOMBI, DEEP RED, and others. That living room floor at 1:00 AM was my sticky, popcorn encrusted theater - complete with horny guys leering at the screen (though none of my friends to my knowledge ever, you know, did anything on my living room floor. Right, guys? Guys? I feel sick...).

Which finally beings me to the film I'm supposed to be talking about, GRINDHOUSE. Since the film (or films, if you will) is roughly broken out into 4 distinct sections, so will the review.

OPENING/"MACHETE" TRAILER

Before I start I should mention that I got to see GRINDHOUSE in a way very people will probably see it.

And that's a good thing.

The theater I went to was only showing the films 3 times a day. And since 11 AM was too early and 9 PM was too late, I opted for the 5 PM showing. Which of course is the one showing that is close captioned for the hearing impaired. Despite the fact there were only about 20 of us in the theater, and we loudly proclaimed that we could all in fact hear quite well, the film was shown with fat, enormous subtitles. Which actually made it quite funny when it got the description of the Machete trailer, starring Robert Rodriguez regular Danny Trejo. "Funky Pop Music Plays." "Loud Saxophone Wailing." A little distracting, but you soon begin not to notice it, and watching Danny Trejo and Jeff Fahey was awesome. Where has Jeff Fahey been? The trailer pops and scratches, but doesn't begin to prepare you for what's in store next.

"PLANET TERROR" FEATURE

The first image you see is Rose McGowan, looking better that she ever has, go-go dancing while the screens pops and hisses with the great soundtrack (composed by Rodriguez). Meanwhile some one's screwing someone else over canisters of a deadly army gas nicknamed "Planet Terror" that infects those who inhale it, turning them into crazed lunatics that ooze and fester and swell and...well, you get the idea.

Who can stop this horror from taking over the world? The Army? of course not - they're the bad guys! Nope, it falls to our trusty band of rednecks including the aforementioned stripper, the town sheriff, the local bar owner, a pair of twin babysitters, and Wrey, the ominous tow-truck driving man with a past. And this being the type of movie it is, they save the world with equal doses of blood, gore, sex, and other assorted perversions.

I was surprised by how great Planet Terror turned out. It's 100% over the top in terms of acting, plot, and cheesy effects (which are still miles above what a grindhouse picture would really have, but no complaints here), and it manages to not only work, but work like a mother------. The key scenes played in the all the commercials with McGowan getting a machine gun attached to her amputated leg are still great, as is her performance. In fact, everyone's pulling out all the stops, with extra special "Hell Yeah's" going out to Josh "I was in GOONIES" Brolin and Michael "NAVY SEALS almost killed my career" Biehn. Quentin Tarantino shows up to provide a key moment of menace and utter gross-out, and Naveen Andrews of LOST and Bruce "da Man" Willis play wacky to the nth degree in their small but juicy roles.

But the real star of Planet Terror belongs to the screen itself. At first glance you might think the pops, scratches, and tinting issues were added more or less at random; a closer look shows that each Snap! Crackle! and Pop! is ingeniously inserted to enhance the mood and tone of what's going in the film. Rodriguez, instead of trying to authentically "grind" up his movie utilizes some of the key components of what makes a film a "grind" film and forces them to propel his story along. Watch the really violent action scenes - the quality of the film jumps and degrades in sync to what's going on. The quieter scenes don't have as much going on, but what does go on is subtle and effective. Take the scene where Tarantino begins menacing the two heroines in an elevator. As he talks, the film slowly turns red, and fades back as they closer to their destination. It's a small piece, but does wonders to the film. The ending is epic and funny, and wraps up what would have been a great single feature all on it's own.

INTERMISSION/"GUEST" TRAILERS

In between the two features were the three "surprise" trailers cut specifically for the film. Rob Zombie came first with his Werewolf Women of the SS. Decent, but in my mind looked far too slick to really be in the same vein as the features and other trailers. It was a hoot seeing B movie greats like Sybil Danning and Udo Kier, and the brief moment of Nicholas Cage was better than his last couple of films. But this was the weakest of the three trailers. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS has a much better "feel" for the genre.

Next up was SHAUN OF THE DEAD's Edgar Wright, serving up a great little bit in the Hammer tradition called Don't. As in, "If you're thinking of going down into the basement...DON'T!" It actually starts off great, but the moment that took my head out of the moment was, after exclaiming "If you're thinking of opening that door...DON'T!" the heroine, upon opening said door finds a mutant and uncredited Nick Frost dancing and clapping with a doll in his mouth. Hysterical, but from there on I was too focused on trying to catch any more Wright regulars to concentrate on the trailer. One to definitely catch again.

The biggest surprise was that my favorite entry was Eli "HOSTEL" Roth's Thanksgiving, which while being obviously very tongue-in-cheek, perfectly captured to my mind the old trailers I used to see as a kid. Bonus points for including Michael Biehn as a sheriff (again) and some great cringe-worthy gags. You can catch the trailer for this here on You Tube.

"DEATH PROOF" FEATURE

How do you top something as outrageous, as crazy great as Planet Terror? If you're Quentin Tarantino, you don't even try. Instead, you provide something completely different, something that simmers and then burns, forcing you to stay in your seat until the ultimate climax you know is coming and when it gets there...

He throws a HUGE middle finger at you and laughs all the way home.

Death Proof has one of the single-most frustrating endings I've ever watched in a film, and it's fantastic. You're furious for about 5 minutes, and then as you're leaving the theater you're laughing to yourself because you can't believe he had the balls to end it that way. It's a cop out, albeit one that was very consciously thought out and planned, and for that Quentin provides in my mind the most memorable moment of GRINDHOUSE.

Don't get me wrong - the rest of the movie is pretty great too. For those that haven't heard by now, Kurt Russell reasserts his bad-ass credentials by playing Stuntman Mike, someone who may or may not have ever been a stuntman, but certainly has a souped-up stunt car that he uses to kill pretty women that he takes pictures of and keeps pinned to the visor in his car.

The film is tightly structured in four acts, featuring two sets of victims. Those who die, die very hard, in one of the most disturbing moments in GRINDHOUSE. We're then introduced to a new bevy of luscious ladies, including Rosario Dawson who manages to get more beautiful in every film, and Zoe Bell, who was Uma Thurman's stunt double in the KILL BILL films and here stars as herself.

Oh, there's also a girl dressed as a cheerleader played by Jordan Ladd. I don't remember if they ever explain why she's dressed as a cheerleader. It's just that kind of movie.

The movie VANISHING POINT plays a large part in what happens to them, and Tarantino, getting behind the camera for the first time, films a great car chase that manages to pay homage to and sit beside such great chases in THE FRENCH CONNECTION and BULLITT. The hisses and scratches aren't as much a part of the picture as they were in Planet Terror (although he uses the "missing reel" gag to hilarious and frustrating effect), Tarantino instead opting for a washed out look reminiscent of a 3rd or 4th generation VHS copy.

And then there's that ending. I can see a lot of people crying "unfair" when it comes, but again, give it a moment or two and you'll get the joke as well. Remember these films were never really known for their endings...

3 1/2 HOURS LATER...

I emerge from my GRINDHOUSE experience, a little older, a little wiser, and ready to do it all over again. I kept thinking back to those days as a kid when my friends and I would rent these ridiculous looking movies (VAMPYROS LESBOS, anyone?) and stay up all night, watching one after the other. I saw a lot of crap, very few gems, but every one left it's imprint on me, just as it apparently did on Rodriguez and Tarantino.

Can't wait for the next installment!

Back in the Saddle...Again?

You know...no reason why I can't keep writing over at the main site and then postingthe movie stuff over here, right?

Right?

Grindhouse (2007)

Though my birth year firmly plants me as a child of the 70's, I was a young child, so getting out to the local theaters for a double dose of movie fun was few and far between. For that reason my early "grind" movie experience came courtesy of the home video craze in the early 80's. I remember the day my father came home with both the Video Cassette Recorder (which was the size and approximate weight of my grandfather's old tool chest) and the first two movies we ever rented: PETE'S DRAGON and DELIVERANCE.

We were that kind of family.

When I got old enough to rent on my own with my friends, it was travelling by any means necessary down to the local drug store or gas station (the Blockbuster and Hollywood Video of our day) to grab movies for midnight consumption. Back then it felt like a whole new world opened up - the drug stores and gas stations and small independent video stores that lined the streets of Middletown, NY carried a variety of films that was frikkin' unbelievable.

It's a testament to how my mother raised me that I'm a respectable family man after hours of sitting up in the middle of the night with my friends watching I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, BAD TASTE, ZOMBI, DEEP RED, and others. That living room floor at 1:00 AM was my sticky, popcorn encrusted theater - complete with horny guys leering at the screen (though none of my friends to my knowledge ever, you know, did anything on my living room floor. Right, guys? Guys? I feel sick...).

Which finally beings me to the film I'm supposed to be talking about, GRINDHOUSE. Since the film (or films, if you will) is roughly broken out into 4 distinct sections, so will the review.

OPENING/"MACHETE" TRAILER

Before I start I should mention that I got to see GRINDHOUSE in a way very people will probably see it.

And that's a good thing.

The theater I went to was only showing the films 3 times a day. And since 11 AM was too early and 9 PM was too late, I opted for the 5 PM showing. Which of course is the one showing that is close captioned for the hearing impaired. Despite the fact there were only about 20 of us in the theater, and we loudly proclaimed that we could all in fact hear quite well, the film was shown with fat, enormous subtitles. Which actually made it quite funny when it got the description of the Machete trailer, starring Robert Rodriguez regular Danny Trejo. "Funky Pop Music Plays." "Loud Saxophone Wailing." A little distracting, but you soon begin not to notice it, and watching Danny Trejo and Jeff Fahey was awesome. Where has Jeff Fahey been? The trailer pops and scratches, but doesn't begin to prepare you for what's in store next.

"PLANET TERROR" FEATURE

The first image you see is Rose McGowan, looking better that she ever has, go-go dancing while the screens pops and hisses with the great soundtrack (composed by Rodriguez). Meanwhile some one's screwing someone else over canisters of a deadly army gas nicknamed "Planet Terror" that infects those who inhale it, turning them into crazed lunatics that ooze and fester and swell and...well, you get the idea.

Who can stop this horror from taking over the world? The Army? of course not - they're the bad guys! Nope, it falls to our trusty band of rednecks including the aforementioned stripper, the town sheriff, the local bar owner, a pair of twin babysitters, and Wrey, the ominous tow-truck driving man with a past. And this being the type of movie it is, they save the world with equal doses of blood, gore, sex, and other assorted perversions.

I was surprised by how great Planet Terror turned out. It's 100% over the top in terms of acting, plot, and cheesy effects (which are still miles above what a grindhouse picture would really have, but no complaints here), and it manages to not only work, but work like a mother------. The key scenes played in the all the commercials with McGowan getting a machine gun attached to her amputated leg are still great, as is her performance. In fact, everyone's pulling out all the stops, with extra special "Hell Yeah's" going out to Josh "I was in GOONIES" Brolin and Michael "NAVY SEALS almost killed my career" Biehn. Quentin Tarantino shows up to provide a key moment of menace and utter gross-out, and Naveen Andrews of LOST and Bruce "da Man" Willis play wacky to the nth degree in their small but juicy roles.

But the real star of Planet Terror belongs to the screen itself. At first glance you might think the pops, scratches, and tinting issues were added more or less at random; a closer look shows that each Snap! Crackle! and Pop! is ingeniously inserted to enhance the mood and tone of what's going in the film. Rodriguez, instead of trying to authentically "grind" up his movie utilizes some of the key components of what makes a film a "grind" film and forces them to propel his story along. Watch the really violent action scenes - the quality of the film jumps and degrades in sync to what's going on. The quieter scenes don't have as much going on, but what does go on is subtle and effective. Take the scene where Tarantino begins menacing the two heroines in an elevator. As he talks, the film slowly turns red, and fades back as they closer to their destination. It's a small piece, but does wonders to the film. The ending is epic and funny, and wraps up what would have been a great single feature all on it's own.

INTERMISSION/"GUEST" TRAILERS

In between the two features were the three "surprise" trailers cut specifically for the film. Rob Zombie came first with his Werewolf Women of the SS. Decent, but in my mind looked far too slick to really be in the same vein as the features and other trailers. It was a hoot seeing B movie greats like Sybil Danning and Udo Kier, and the brief moment of Nicholas Cage was better than his last couple of films. But this was the weakest of the three trailers. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS has a much better "feel" for the genre.

Next up was SHAUN OF THE DEAD's Edgar Wright, serving up a great little bit in the Hammer tradition called Don't. As in, "If you're thinking of going down into the basement...DON'T!" It actually starts off great, but the moment that took my head out of the moment was, after exclaiming "If you're thinking of opening that door...DON'T!" the heroine, upon opening said door finds a mutant and uncredited Nick Frost dancing and clapping with a doll in his mouth. Hysterical, but from there on I was too focused on trying to catch any more Wright regulars to concentrate on the trailer. One to definitely catch again.

The biggest surprise was that my favorite entry was Eli "HOSTEL" Roth's Thanksgiving, which while being obviously very tongue-in-cheek, perfectly captured to my mind the old trailers I used to see as a kid. Bonus points for including Michael Biehn as a sheriff (again) and some great cringe-worthy gags. You can catch the trailer for this here on You Tube.

"DEATH PROOF" FEATURE

How do you top something as outrageous, as crazy great as Planet Terror? If you're Quentin Tarantino, you don't even try. Instead, you provide something completely different, something that simmers and then burns, forcing you to stay in your seat until the ultimate climax you know is coming and when it gets there...

He throws a HUGE middle finger at you and laughs all the way home.

Death Proof has one of the single-most frustrating endings I've ever watched in a film, and it's fantastic. You're furious for about 5 minutes, and then as you're leaving the theater you're laughing to yourself because you can't believe he had the balls to end it that way. It's a cop out, albeit one that was very consciously thought out and planned, and for that Quentin provides in my mind the most memorable moment of GRINDHOUSE.

Don't get me wrong - the rest of the movie is pretty great too. For those that haven't heard by now, Kurt Russell reasserts his bad-ass credentials by playing Stuntman Mike, someone who may or may not have ever been a stuntman, but certainly has a souped-up stunt car that he uses to kill pretty women that he takes pictures of and keeps pinned to the visor in his car.

The film is tightly structured in four acts, featuring two sets of victims. Those who die, die very hard, in one of the most disturbing moments in GRINDHOUSE. We're then introduced to a new bevy of luscious ladies, including Rosario Dawson who manages to get more beautiful in every film, and Zoe Bell, who was Uma Thurman's stunt double in the KILL BILL films and here stars as herself.

Oh, there's also a girl dressed as a cheerleader played by Jordan Ladd. I don't remember if they ever explain why she's dressed as a cheerleader. It's just that kind of movie.

The movie VANISHING POINT plays a large part in what happens to them, and Tarantino, getting behind the camera for the first time, films a great car chase that manages to pay homage to and sit beside such great chases in THE FRENCH CONNECTION and BULLITT. The hisses and scratches aren't as much a part of the picture as they were in Planet Terror (although he uses the "missing reel" gag to hilarious and frustrating effect), Tarantino instead opting for a washed out look reminiscent of a 3rd or 4th generation VHS copy.

And then there's that ending. I can see a lot of people crying "unfair" when it comes, but again, give it a moment or two and you'll get the joke as well. Remember these films were never really known for their endings...

3 1/2 HOURS LATER...

I emerge from my GRINDHOUSE experience, a little older, a little wiser, and ready to do it all over again. I kept thinking back to those days as a kid when my friends and I would rent these ridiculous looking movies (VAMPYROS LESBOS, anyone?) and stay up all night, watching one after the other. I saw a lot of crap, very few gems, but every one left it's imprint on me, just as it apparently did on Rodriguez and Tarantino.

Can't wait for the next installment!