Feast (2005)

Of all the death that occurs in FEAST, the most appropriate killing blow is not to one of the characters, but to Project Greenlight, whose record of finding mediocre talent to write and direct mediocre films can finally be put to rest with this incredible disappointment of a movie.

FEAST purports to be an "innovative mix" of comedy and horror, featuring cult actors and buckets of unrated gore and gross-out humor that was supposedly too much for anyone to actually release theatrically. I can only think this over the top moment refers to when one of the beasts in the movie has their genitalia chopped off, where it falls down the stairs and proceeds to spill its milky contents over the floor. Or perhaps it's when one of the beasts in the opening of the film humps a bull head mounted over a bar (I won't metion the scene with the one-legged girl and the oral monster sex...or will I?)? Hopefully you're starting to get the drift of what's going on here.

The film concerns a crazy group of people trapped in a bar by a family of crazy fast toothy monsters who for some bizarre reason decided they weren't creepy enough so they covered themselves in roadkill. The bar patrons are the "feast" over the course of the evening.

It actually starts off with some tongue-in-cheek promise: The titles are done with a handheld 8mm camera. Roadkill is picked up off the road and the words FEAST come on the screen. Jump cut to 35mm and a car crash, and we're off to the bar. The main characters are introduced in freezes similar to the opening titles of The A-Team: we learn the names, occupations, and chances of survival in the picture. Suddenly a bloody man races into the bar holding a shotgun in one hand and the head of one of the creatures in the other. There's 4 of these things, and they're heading right for the bar. "Who are you?" they ask.

"I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass," he replies, seconds before he's ripped through a window and decapitated.

The rest of the movie is a tired retread of dozens of other, better movies. The creatures are only seen in flashes, the better to hide how ridiculous they look. The acting ranges from eh to ahhh, eh. But that's pretty much expected when your cast includes Henry Rollins, Jason Mewes and World Champion of the World Judah Friedlander. And they're the best things in the movie.

Just plain bad, folks. Project Greenlight went 3-for-3 with crappy flicks, and here's hoping the carnage of FEAST puts that green light to red for good.